About Me
About Me
This is not my primary blog, but I still felt it needed to be created. It’s a second half to me, and I didn’t want to overload my other followers. As I said in my description, I’m a graduate student in the southern United States. In the past year or so, I’ve made the decision that I really needed to turn my life around and start living a healthier lifestyle. I’ve tried various approaches; diets, exercise, pills, even suffered for awhile from horrible body image and eating habits. But through all of that I knew that in the long run I wanted to be healthy, fit and fierce. My aim is not to be delicate. I don’t mind if my thighs touch as long as my legs are muscular and toned. My ultimate goal is to be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see. Every day is a struggle to stay positive, but No matter what I’m going to keep pushing forward.
I made the push to want to be healthier after my senior year in college. My last year wasn’t exactly the highlight of my life. I lost/broke up with my best friend/boyfriend, ostracized many of my other friends, stressed myself out over things that, in hindsight, were fairly insignificant and ultimately spiraled into depression. My first semester I stopped eating, not intentionally or for any specific purpose, but because in being depressed I just wasn’t hungry. I stopped eating enough calories, my body went into starvation mode and ultimately I lost both weight and tone. Sure, the numbers went down, but I didn’t look any better. I was losing tone, too. Second semester rolled around and as people got job offers, graduate letter acceptances and engagement rings, we started eating out more often. We went out for “just one drink, to celebrate.” My body, used to starvation, clung to those calories like it was gasping for life. Which, let’s be honest, it was. I went from ~5’8”, 158 lbs to nearly ~185 lbs in only a few months. When I saw the double chin in my graduation photos, I cried. I knew something had to change.
So I spent the summer reevaluating what was important to me. I worked outdoors, got away from some poor influences at school and tried to start over. I did a massive cleaning of my own life. I knew that as soon as I went to graduate school, I needed to hit the ground running. So I did.
The first thing I did when I moved to school was join a gym. The second thing I did was cough up the money for a personal trainer. Now, let me say here that by no means does having a trainer associate you with some hot-to-trot, wealthy hierarchy. I evaluated my finances and realized that if I stopped eating out, on my GTA salary I could still afford the $120 a month. I had the motivation, but like so many times before, I didn’t want the fervor to run out. I wanted to have someone to ride my ass and make sure I was going to the gym every day. I wanted to make sure I had someone other than just myself to get me back into being motivated. But more than anything, I wanted someone that could educate me so that after my two years at school were up, I would have the willpower and know-how to make healthy, informed decisions on my own. I can say that it’s been tough, but it’s been worth it.
My weight struggle hasn’t been easy. Like most girls I still suffer large bouts of insecurity and self doubt. For awhile I was limiting myself to an unhealthy level of calories per day. I was willing to do what seemed like anything to bring the number on the scale down. As time progresses though, I’m realizing that the number on the scale isn’t necessarily the only indicator for success. I’m now back down to 158 lbs with no intention of stopping, but I’m also in the most fit and toned shape I’ve been in IN MY LIFE. I’m smaller than I was last time I was 158 lbs. I can see the definition starting to take place in my body. Sometimes (most times) I get frustrated thinking that I see little to know progress, but then I think back to how far I’ve come and I realize that I can’t stop here. It’s what motivates me to tie my shoes and get back to the gym — even if it is 9 pm. I’d rather hate myself for an hour tonight than all day tomorrow.
I’ve never been a runner, though I’ve always had the dream of being one. I have next to know stamina and endurance, even now. But to me, there’s something thrilling and almost sexy about a girl that can just lace up her sneakers, throw on a pair of running short and hit the pavement. I want to be that girl. I’ve set goals of running a 5k. I listen to running podcasts that keep me motivated with interval training. I keep a food diary on MyFitnessPal.com. I keep trying to push through.
So here’s to being healthy. Here’s to looking in the mirror and realizing that what you’ve accomplished has been through hard work, not through deprivation. Here’s to running and happiness and the end of self loathing. But most of all, here’s to being human and realizing that we’re not perfect. This is a marathon, not a sprint. We didn’t get here in one day. But tomorrow we’ll be one day closer.
~A.
